oh man it was probably only the sexiest thing to ever happen in the history of the world, i was a natural. it’s like i was born to have sex and just shower people with orgasms. (that wording is..gross. also hey, this post is probably going to be tmi, but you knew that.)
actually as expected it was incredibly awkward and a little weird. (i should probably mention that at the time i was expecting it to go great, but then again i was also expecting to leave the country by the end of the summer and start an exciting new life and look where that went.)
oh also, there’s the first time i had sex and the first time i tried to have sex. i’ll go in chronological order, which just so happens to also be in order of most humiliating.
now, being a human with eyes and an internet connection i had seen porn before so i knew how everything lined up like, physically. that kind of gave me this idea that because i had seen people have sex i somehow knew how to have sex. kind of like how if you watch a video of someone doing parkour it means you know how to do parkour. oh wait, it doesn’t mean that at all. if i tried parkour today it would probably go just as badly as the first time i tried to lose my virginity. it would probably end the same way too, with me on a bed alone after embarrassing myself in front of a girl. actually in the parkour scenario the bed in question would probably also be in a hospital. hey at least the sex didn’t put me there. “what’s your diagnosis, doctor?”
“well, nurse, i’m afraid it doesn’t look good, there are no signs of sex life whatsoever. he’ll never get laid again.”
a few hours before my girlfriend was supposed to come over and have sex with me, yeah we planned it ahead of time, like i penciled it in. i was scheduled to have my virginity removed, it was like a visit to the dentist only with less tears and more to brag about to friends if i had any. anyways a few hours before it (didn’t) happen i sought out a little advice from the father figure in my life, the internet. specifically askmen.com. (a shirtless male model taught me how to shave on gillette’s website. i think about him and that perfectly lit bathroom every time i shave.)
as i said before, i thought i knew how to have sex already, this was just a little touch up, making sure i covered all my bases. i clicked on an article about how to put on condoms. the instructions were a bit longer than i expected, meaning they said more than, “put it on.”
“alright well this couldn’t hurt,” i thought. “make sure you aren’t putting it on backwards? okay i didn’t even think about that being a possibility, i’ll have to remember that. what’s next..if you try to put it on and realize it’s on backwards throw it out and get a new one? oh because semen might get on it. well i only have one so i’ll just…ignore that step. uh..pinch the reservoir tip as you slide it on with the other hand to avoid creating an air bubble. ‘reservoir’ is a weird word to use for that, it makes me think of like, kids swimming in a creek in summer. hm, alright, so that sounds like it takes two hands..you know what? it’s probably way easier when you’re in the moment. if girls can put condoms on guys with their mouths i’m sure i can do it with my hands. i wonder if a girl’s ever tried to put one on with her mouth and then choked on it. that’d be even worse than forgetting to pinch the tip.”
so she came over and we got down to it. i realized five minutes into awkwardly kissing that i should have read the askmen article about foreplay first. i looked around the room, but there were no men to ask, i was doomed. a few minutes later we were both on the bed naked. naked in front of a girl in my room.
time to have sex.
my eye caught a glimpse of the open closet door and i saw a needle point piece of art my grandmother had made for me when i was born. thinking about my dead grandmother, naked in front of a girl in my room. it was a weekday and i was skipping school to do this, i was terrified of hearing the garage door and having my mom come home early. thinking about my dead grandmother, my mom coming home, and the work i was missing, naked in front of a girl in my room.
time to have sex?
i held the condom in my hand. “why does this remind me of a ramen flavor packet?” i thought to myself. i ripped the wrapper open.
the pungent smell of latex seeped into the room. it was the strongest thing i had ever smelled. it slithered up my nose and wrapped itself around my brain. i could taste it on my tongue. it no longer reminded me of a ramen flavor packet. “what the hell?” i thought. in all my life i had never thought of what a condom smelled like, could this really be right? i checked the expiration date, no, it should be fine. the smell brought back memories of lab days in biology class. the images of my bearded biology teacher and fetal pigs flooded into my brain.
..time to have...sex?
i looked down at my erection and realized my penis must have not received the whole “sex” memo, because there was in fact no erection to look down at.
if you are now or have ever been a teenage boy you should already know that erections are like nickels. they’re always in your pants when you don’t need them, but then the second you’re at a cash register trying to pay in exact change they’re nowhere to be found.
or at least that was the case for me as i stood there realizing i was short five cents.
she gave me that polite, if not a little impatient look cashiers sometimes give you when you’re digging around in your pocket.
“hold on,” i said. “i swear i just had one earlier..”
i turned around and closed my eyes. i was on a different mental plane, i was one with my body. i wonder if buddhists can summon boners at will? i was about to tear my penis a new one (ow) if it didn’t get its act together.
“what are you doing!? this is it! forget masturbating, this is your actual biological purpose! you got an erection watching a body wash commercial two hours ago! you got an erection from the pressure from holding the laundry basket against you as you carried it up the stairs. don’t do this to me.”
to put it bluntly my penis was being a dick and i was getting fucked in the wrong way.
“sex is just friction.” i thought to myself as i frantically manipulated my lifeless appendage like a rubik’s cube. i managed to get it halfway there. the white and yellow sides were done and i had a whole row of green going. although the way i was going at it it would probably just end up being black and blue. “good enough!” i tried to slip the condom on. it was wet with lube and the exposure to air had made it cold. it was like a seaweed condom. like some kind of dead fish latex condom. it was like the worst thing i had ever put my dick inside, which at that point had also been the first and only thing. so i guess technically it was also the best thing i had ever put my dick inside.
as i slid it on i remembered the reservoir tip. i had a “pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time” moment as i tried to communicate the acts of pinching and sliding to my useless, stupid hands. i ended up pinching my penis. i jolted upright and at the same time the condom slid off and landed on my foot with a soft squelching noise that would have made a pile of garbage vomit another pile of garbage.
i picked it up, pulled a hair off of it and slid it back on. i got into the bed and all of a sudden i was very close to a naked girl.
“another person? here?” i thought, almost startled. i had forgotten all about her. that’s the other thing i had never really considered when thinking about sex. there would be another person involved. take an awkward person. now lay them on top of someone else. that’s like an awkward person with twice the arms and legs. it wasn’t pretty.
i pressed my penis into the general area of her crotch. “am i having sex yet?” i wondered.
you know how when you’re plugging the charger into a macbook the head of the charger is kind of magnetically pulled into the port on the computer? like it just finds its way there and snaps in?
that’s what vaginas need. little dick magnets around the outside. because when you’re inches away from someone’s face with a confused look on your own as you try to blindly navigate your penis into them it isn’t fun. i kept sitting up, looking at where i was trying to go, and then laying back down. like someone trying to grab something at the bottom of a pool without opening their eyes. i had to swim back to the surface three or four or seven times.
i eventually lost what little of an erection i had (hm probably not very flattering to use the words “little” and “erection” in the same sentence) and she offered to give me a little hand assistance to get it going again.
have you ever touched yourself with a numb hand and pretended it was someone else? shut up yeah you have. it’s weird and creepy right? yeah well that’s what getting a handjob when you’re not aroused feels like. to top it all off she was doing it with the condom still on so the whole time there was this noise like crinkling plastic bags.
surprisingly i wasn’t getting off on it.
i must have had 8 million erections from my naked body and yet at that specific moment i couldn’t get a single one. (that sentence sounds weird because i was trying to make a reference to the naked city.)
i gave up. the condom looked like an old deflated balloon you find under the sofa three months after your birthday. and i felt just as pathetic. it was also getting late and my mom was going to be home soon. let me just tell you, “my mom is going to be home soon.” is the unsexiest possible sentence in the english language. probably any language in the human species. i could go to a remote part of the south american rainforest, sneak up on two tribe members getting it on, go “my mom is going to be home soon.” and the guy would instantly stop and go, “duuude. come on.”
next time you see your dog humping anything whisper it under your breath and he’ll openly volunteer to be neutered.
she left and i took a 2 hour long shower, partly because i was feeling ashamed and emasculated, but also because the smell of latex had infused itself with my dna and i was trying to get it out.
and that was pretty much it.
oh, but the story about me actually having sex, right right.
just reread the post over only after the part with the vagina magnets just substitute the following.
we tried to change positions, i don’t know why, it just seemed like a thing to do. i don’t know how many guys lose their virginity with the girl on top, but i did. i guess it took her weight plus the natural forces of gravity because it finally went in.
time slowed down.
unfortunately it only slowed down for me, because when we were done what had seemed like an eternity to me turned out to be like 2 minutes to her.
that’s why they call me quick draw mcgraw.
i was so terrified of my mother finding out i was skipping school to have sex i made her take the condom with her when she left to throw away somewhere else. hiding the evidence.
i literally handed her a used condom as she stepped out of the door. like a bagged lunch. who am i.
oh right, quick draw mcgraw.
no one calls me that.